If you missed CNN’s Tea Party Express Republican Debate last night, good for you. Hopefully you watched Tom Brady eviscerate the Dolphins and Wes Welker cause Miami fans to drink heavily.
That’s why I’m here. Why be informed when you can read cryptojournalism? Seriously though, there were a couple of gems to be plucked from this snooze fest, so let’s put our ankles in it!
Just like every news bureau, I’m going to start with hunky Rick Perry. What a dope. And I mean that in the kindest way possible. What I gleamed from last night was the man prefers a loose interpretation of the US Constitution and is a high priced call girl.
First, his man whorish ways. He revealed a little more than I expected in a tit for tat with Michele Bachmann over his mandating HPV vaccines for Texas high school girls. From the transcript:
BACHMANN: What I’m saying is that it’s wrong for a drug company, because the governor’s former chief of staff was the chief lobbyist for this drug company. The drug company gave thousands of dollars in political donations to the governor, and this is just flat-out wrong.
The question is, is it about life, or was it about millions of dollars and potentially billions for a drug company?
BLITZER: All right. I’ll let Senator Santorum hold off for a second.
You’ve got to response to that.
PERRY: Yes, sir. The company was Merck, and it was a $5,000 contribution that I had received from them. I raise about $30 million.
And if you’re saying that I can be bought for $5,000, I’m offended.
Hilarious. If you’re trying to buy off Rick Perry, you better bring six figures, capiche? Here’s where I throw in the obligatory make it rain image.
Ahhhh, much better. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, did you see what Rick Perry did in that back and forth? It wasn’t disavowing corruption. No, he’s ‘offended’ by a paltry sum like $5,000. Interesting, Rick, very interesting.
Then there’s his, shall I say feeble understanding of the Constitution. Specifically, Article IV, Section 4. First, here’s a Perryism, something that can only exist in his mind and the minds of other vulnerable adults. [<---Did you see that? You should boo, folks] Back to the debate transcript:
…the federal government has to step up and do what their constitutional duty is, and that is to secure the border with Mexico .
Uh, but Rick. That’s not what the Constitution says at all. Bear in mind this is an argument between Rick Santorum and Perry over immigration. Not the drug war, where the cartel has too free a reign. Here’s what it says regarding borders:
The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government, and shall protect each of them against Invasion; and on Application of the Legislature, or of the Executive (when the Legislature cannot be convened), against domestic Violence.
NOW….If you believe the various illegals crossing the border comprise an invasion force, you’re probably a fan favorite at a Tea Party Debate. Thank you folks, I’ll be here all week.
Were he posing a rhetorical argument for tight borders due to drug violence, that may be more persuasive. Pandering to bigotry and misconstruing foreign workers crossing the border illegally as some sort of invasion is wild. Rick Perry might just be a cryptojournalist, the way he twisted Article. IV. Impressive stuff, really.
And now, for a short programming interlude. During commercial breaks on the webcast, CNN ran hysterical Twits from Twitter and online questions. So without further ado, here’s your winner for Most Ironic Internet Question from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate:
Moving on to one of those Tea Partiers known for creating a bipartisan environment to help move the country forward….Michele Bachmann!
For a bright woman (she’s a tax lawyer!), she sure doesn’t get it. Whatever it is. And in this case, it’s surprisingly the American way. I know, right? Let’s dip into the debate one more time (emphasis added):
…I think that the American way is not to give taxpayer subsidized benefits to people who have broken our laws or who are here in the United States illegally. That is not the American way.
*cough* Goldman Sachs *cough*
I guess that means every financial device of the last decade is totally above board. My fucking ass. I found at least one outcast voice in the wild from 2008 willing to label a bailout as a subsidy. Thank you, Gary North. In reality, the American way is to give taxpayer subsidized benefits (in this case, money from the Federal Reserve discount window) to people who have broken our laws.
Whoops, I forgot. Nobody’s been prosecuted from any of the fiscal fiascoes of the last few years. Scratch that last paragraph, K? As a nation, the United States most definitely does not aid and assist lawbreakers. Never, ever. Never.
Alright, and we’re back with more insane internet questions from the webcast. Here’s the winner for Most Contradictory Internet Question from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate, brought to you by Carl’s Jr:
I didn’t have to throw in the ExxonMobil logo, but did. It’s like a “Fuck You” to sensible voters nationwide. The question itself is hilarious, almost unhinged. The most practical way to force a country to build its own military is to attack. Which isn’t going to bring troops home. Moving right along…..
Sorry, Mitt Romney. You were too damn boring to even garner mention. But while his name is lingering in cyberspace right there, like a stale fart, let me state this as clearly and bigoted as possible. America will never vote for a Mormon Businessman who founded a private equity firm *cough* Bain Capital *cough* as President of the United States. People equate Mormons to Scientologists, and Scientology is literally the worst organization on Earth. Just putting it out there.
Then there’s Ron Paul. When Yahoo! is reporting how you elicit cheers for inadvertently endorsing letting uninsured people die in the name of freedom, things aren’t going great. Poor Ron Paul. Here’s the video of the incident, see how he’s baited into this weird death angle.
On the bright side, at least he’s not Jon Huntsman. Sad sack Jon Huntsman couldn’t even get his zinger right. Even worse, it’s being reported in America’s newspaper, USA Today. Yikes. From the article:
Huntsman mocked the plan Romney put forth in his book, No Apology. “I don’t know if that was written by Kurt Cobain or not,” said the former Utah governor, in what’s been interpreted as an allusion to the Nirvana song All Apologies.
When the legitimate news has to interpret an allusion, normally a valuable asset in the toolbox of the cryptojournalist, you’re fubared. Nice try tho, buddy.
Before we begin wrapping this up, we’ve got one more internet question award to hand out. This is our winner of the Education Question Which Most Illuminates Our Need For Education from CNN’s 2011 Tea Party Express Republican Debate:
Whoever the editor is that found an education question missing ‘an’ indefinite article, kudos. That made my day.
My last thought on the debate: Herman Cain is a pretty funny dude. Which brings about a major problem. Now that Bernie Mac is gone, who’s going to play Mr. Cain in the 2013 HBO movie about the 2011-12 Republican nomination (tentatively called Dumpster Fire)?
I mean, I’ve got Adam Scott (with some silver highlights) as Jon Huntsman, which fits perfectly.
Rick Perry is too easy to cast. Just get that guy who plays Texas Governors, what’s his face?
Look, it’s not my fault Josh Brolin looks like he was minted to be Governor of Texas. These things just happen sometimes.
Slick Rick Santorum? None other than famed comedian Harland Williams a.k.a. Kenny from Half Baked.
Since this is an HBO joint, I’d imagine they’ve still got the Crypt Keeper lying around in some warehouse. Perfect casting for Ron Paul.
Now I’ve hit an impasse with Ms. Bachmann. If I really want to feed into the Old White Guy sexual fetishizing of Michele Bachmann, you cast Kim Cattrall. If you simply want to be mean, go with Mary-Louise Parker. Bachmann would pitch a fit if the lady from Weeds portrayed her in anything.
Although if we were trying to capture that, how to put it….hmmmm……crazy eye look Michele’s got locked down, apparently Ramona Singer (whoever that is) has it on lockdown. Supposedly she’s a Real Housewife, and by the looks of it, from Crazy Town.
Seriously, if you type ‘crazy eyes’ and search Google images, it’s Bachmann and Singer and nobody else of note. They’re the Queen and Princess of the Kingdom of Insane Optics.
If you have not figured it out by now, the movie is being cast as a comedy.
I’ve still got some casting to do, but that’s shaping up to be an all star comedy cast. HBO, I hope you’re pilfering my idea right now.
So that’s a wrap. If you missed the debate, good for you. Dumpster fire is too kind a phrase to describe the whole scene. I hope this provides some color and accent (not necessarily news and information) for you about the most recent debate. Till then…..