Kelis Is A Pharmacologist

If you remember a while back, I wrote about Kanye West’s Gold Digger.  Well, we’re back with another strip club anthem, this time “Milkshake” by Kelis.  One of my personal faves.  And once again,we’re going to break it down, lyrically, that is, and see what Kelis is really talking about.

Those are italics.  That should indicate I mean business.

Ok, enough posturing.  I just believe many of the more popular strip club anthems can easily be misinterpreted to mean all kinds of craziness.  Is Kanye West really portraying a corporate lobbyist within the lyrics of Gold Digger?  Only as much as Kelis is a pharmacologist.

A pharmacologist is one who practices pharmacology.  Sweet.  Study of drug action.  Sounds like junior year of college.

Just a few of the ingredients in Kelis' Milkshake

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Dude, it’s a song about her milkshake.  Her milkshake.”  There are those damn italics again.  Much as Peter Griffin wants you to think so, that is simply not the case.  Not for a cryptojournalist, at least.

The belief this song was made to do nothing more than get hoochies to shake their jubblies is, well, exactly the point.  I’ll tell you, though, after this, you’ll probably never hear it the same again.

Here’s the video.  Oh so good.

Let me clarify before we get into the lyrics, Kelis’ Milkshake is nothing like a Darvon Cocktail.  Although, it is killer in its’ own right.  Suicide jokes aside, it is a tad disturbing that you can Google Darvon Cocktail and, well, get multiple recipes for a suicide mixer.  Just….odd.  That’s one use for prescription drugs.

I’ve found this link has the most comprehensive lyrics.  Other websites spell “they’re” like “their” or “thee” like “thee,” and these are vital matters!  Exclamation point worth matters, even.  Who wants to misinterpret something that’s already misspelled?

 My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they’re like
It’s better than yours,
Damn right it’s better than yours, [DING]

That Mrs. Nas Escobar sure is a confident one.  I’ve already begun to lay the fatuous claim her milkshake is indeed a pharmacological milkshake.  The Pavlovian ‘Ding’ throughout the beat does nothing to dispel the notion the song is about elaborate methods of mind control.  Or so the legend goes.  I’m taking the liberty of adding the dings to the lyrics.  They say as much as any word.

Word thru the rumor mill is the song was originally going to be called “Fribble,” but a marketing agreement between Friendly’s and Kelis fell thru at the last moment.

My Fribble brings all the boys to the yard.....

Fake internet rumors aside, who is the ‘they’ in “they’re like”?  Skeptics?  Haterz with a Z?  The FDA?  Astra-Zeneca?  Only Kelis and The Neptunes may know.

I can teach you,
But I have to charge

Get those sexist thoughts out of your head immediately.  I know where you’re going with this.  You think Kelis is an escort?  Psh.  That does not even dignify a real word.  Kelis is talking about her day job, as a professor at the University of Minnesota.  She works in the Graduate Pharmacology Program.  What did you think?

Great program, from all I’ve heard.

Now that we’ve established this song is NOT about selling sex, but about the pharmacology business, let’s get to it.

Before getting too far ahead of ourselves, please note this first verse is repeated.  Repetitiously.  Throughout the entire song.  Over and over and over again.  There is no need for analysis of the same verse.  Right?

Moving right along…

I know you want it,
The thing that makes me, [DING]
What the guys go crazy for.
They lose their minds,
The way I wind, [DING]
I think its time

There is no way to move forward without first giving a tip of the cap to perhaps the greatest face in any music video, ever.

Oooooooooohh

With it established that Kelis studies pharmacology, we clearly see what she is saying here.  Pretty straightforward.  You just need to realize the thing that makes the guys go crazy is probably Xanax, or perhaps Oxy’s.

You may be wondering, “But what about the way she winds?”  Good question.  This is an example of the rare double entendre by word pronunciation.

Yes, she has proven quite apt at winding people up.  That’s what you get with effective use of Pavlovian triggers.

BUT, and this is a mild leap of faith, she also winds.

Like the winds in the sky.

In other words, she is a blow hard.  Instead of saying someone’s ‘talking shit’ you can say he’s ‘blowing winds.’

It’s like that famous Welsh saying, “Blood is Irony.”

Most people do not see the ironic nature of blood.  But it sure is packed with iron.

Thanks, folks.  Don’t forget to tip the wait staff.

[Chorus x2]
La la-la la la,
Warm it up. [1st Chorus DING]
Lala-lalala, [2nd Chorus DING]
The boys are waiting

In case you’re confused, the dings are staggered between the two repeated choruses.  Note the use of the word boys.  When you have someone snared with a pharmacological cocktail as powerful as Kelis’ Milkshake, you are not dealing with men.  Even the most powerful mind can be reduced to mush.

It has a very powerful sedative effect.  Like a TNA television show.  Just look at all those sad faces in the background.

I'd probably be dazed too if I saw this live

Look at those glazed over faces.  Apparently the girls is dubbed ‘Cookie’ (smrt!) and the guy’s name is, I don’t know, The Conundrum?  I’m not willing to take the time to find out, because then I’d know.  And if knowing is half the battle, that’s a losing fight.

So never forget: always be careful as possible with prescription pills.  Lord knows what you’re doing to yourself.  We know Kelis knows, but tuition these days is steep.

I can see youre on it,
You want me to teach thee [DING]
Techniques that freaks these boys,
It can’t be bought,
Just know, thieves get caught, [DING]
Watch if your smart,

Hmmmmm, it sounds like we’re dealing with someone beyond mere pharmacology.  Freaking techniques are not tips for the dance floor.  She’s talking about freaking out your mind.  Like the 60′s, man.  The 60′s.  Man.

No, Ms. Kelis seems to be boasting a mastery of some other sort of mind altering practice.  Does she use DMT?  I bet it’s DMT.  If it isn’t DMT, then it has to be marketing.  Focus group market studies.  That’s some hardcore shit, either way.  But…if it can’t be bought, how could it be marketing?  Has to be N-Dimethyltryptamine, slyly referring to its natural occurrence in the brain.

As for thieves getting caught, that’s probably a veiled reference to Canadian generics.  Or to outright industrial espionage, to turn a phrase from a time ago.

We’re about to leap right into the sickening underbelly of the pharmaceutical industry.  Namely, how there appear to have been so many dodgy drugs put on the market over the last 15 years.  Here is a list of various prescription drugs pulled from the market.  Note how much more frequent it has become since 1995.

Some of this, undoubtedly, is due to new knowledge on older drugs.  Darvon, on the market since 1957 and only taken off the market in 2010, proves that point.  There were only thirteen drugs withdrawn from the market up to 1986.  SINCE 2000 there have been twenty six.  Twice as many over the last dozen years than from the 50′s through the 80′s.  You want an example of pure malfeasance?  Take a look at the pharmaceutical business of the 21st Century.

That’s why Kelis provides words of wisdom.

Oh, once you get involved,
Everyone will look this way-so, [DING]
You must maintain your charm,
Same time maintain your halo,

Consumer advocates, the FDA, nosy health food devotees, they’re all skeptical.  Be charming, look virtuous.  Here’s a note to aspiring pharmacologists: take a public speaking class.  It always helps to nip those pointed questions about whatever dangerous prescription drug was brought to market with pesky side effects. And there have been more than a few.   A witty story, or a proper aside about nothing in particular, can defuse these tense situations.

Take notes, pharmacology students!  I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.

It’s really good advice for any aspiring criminal: halo maintenance and charm go a long way in the world.  Further than you’d think.

Side note: my favorite epic fail of the pharmaceutical industry this past decade has to be Vioxx.  Merck knows the problems with the medication in 2001?  Check.

Merck was advertising in 2004?  Check.

You must maintain that charm.  That’s a must.

There’s one last half verse, then this bit of cryptojournalism is in the books.

Just get the perfect blend,
Plus what you have within,
Then next his eyes are squint, [DING]
Then he’s picked up your scent,

Not anyone can be a pharmacologist.  You need something within, and that something would be a brain.  Laboratories aren’t full of monkeys on typewriters, not by my knowledge at least.

This isn't Pfizer's main lab, is it?

So there you have it.  Second in a not-too-frequent series of a cryptojournalist’s interpretation of strip club songs.  Hopefully you see how easy it is for what might be called prevailing thoughts to be found in music.  Till next time…..

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