Ultimate Fighting Chicken
Allow me the luxury to daydream for a moment. It’s the greatest potential marketing venture right in front of everyone’s nose, but nobody has tapped into it yet.
Kentucky Fried Chicken, KFC + Ultimate Fighting Championship, UFC = Ultimate Fighting Chicken, THE UFC. Vast marketing research and focus group study has determined people prefer Ultimate Fighting Chicken to Ultimate Fried Championship, 77% to 19%, with 4% being vegetarians.
Crazy, you say? Dana White and Colonel Sanders would be crazy not to integrate brands. They’d be just ahead of the trend.
You’ve seen the stories, the flotsam and jetsam of the tabloid, the latest flare up being the ‘potential’ ‘hate crime’ (both garner sarcastic quotation marks, but when this goes to trial there is a good chance it is a hate crime) where two teens beat a transsexual into a seizure at a McDonalds in Maryland. No shit, beat him into a seizure. You can see it here, courtesy of worldstarhiphop.com. If only I were joking.
A fight at Denny’s in Western Massachusetts just about two months ago captivated the internet, before that it was the brawl at the Wendy’s drive-thru in Kalamazoo. I guess you could say the scene was a zoo. Oh, dis. There was the infamous McNuggets attack last January in Toledo. You can type Melodi Dushane into Google now and see it anytime online. Ahhh, interwebs fame.
Let me reiterate. I wish I were joking. But these are all stories from within the last year and a half. Seems fighting and fast food restaurants seem to be dovetailing into a new industry. Fightstaurants. Sure, till we have a better name. Full contact eating.
In fact, International House of Pancakes of all places appears to be a virtual boxing ring. There’s the fight at the IHOP in South Carolina, the one in Kansas, or Jacksonville. Maryland (again, boys?), Brooklyn and Providence IHOP’s have also been the scene of exhibitions in full contact eating. That makes it sound sociological and academic, no? Instead of like raging idiots acting like, well, raging idiots.
These are all recent instances. I repeat, recent. Less than a year and a half for all this madness.
We can look at the deeper societal reasons people are acting out like this, why the social fiber is tearing right before our eyes. We could try to diagnose the problem and improve things now, before they get any worse. Or we can exploit them. This is where Ultimate Fighting Chicken is a slam dunk, a no-brainer moneymaking venture.
People are already fighting in cheap restaurants and fast food joints. Brand it, and UFC will be the dominant force in fast food in two, three months max. The people brawling in IHOP and Burger King, from Kansas to Florida are already probably fans of the octagon who eat fast food more than three times a week, so the marketing would practically do itself. Making Harlan Sanders the face of Mixed Martial Arts would position UFC, Ultimate Fighting Chicken, to become a corporate titan, a behemoth of global scale we have not seen since Standard Oil. If only people would read the news and see what’s happening.
People are fighting anyway! I guess the cynic in me thinks, if nothing is being happening to improve the grand plight, why the hell not make a quick buck off the trend? Dana, call me, we can work out the kinks. Before you know it, you’ll own Micronesia. Great place to breed chickens, if you can get ‘em there.